I Am Your Plant Father

A declaration of paternity over something that cannot consent, argue, or leave. The joke lands because the confidence is entirely unearned — the plant is fine, but it is fine largely by accident, and everyone involved knows it.

This one does particularly well as a gift, because it lets someone else make the claim on your behalf. It is the design most often bought by a partner, which tells you something about how the claim is received at home.

The default hoodie. If you're not sure which one you want, this is the one you want.

Medium-weight cotton/poly blend fleece, about 8 oz, with a set-in sleeve and a lined hood.