8 things to wear
All My Plants Are Dead
The flagship confession. Worn by people who mean it.
- Premium Hoodie
- Hoodie
- Crewneck
- Long Sleeve
- Ring-Spun Tee
- Comfort Tee
- Tank
- Mug
from $15.99Shop this design →
A Society of Distinguished Plant Fathers
All MyPlants AreDead
And yet — we persist. Every spring, against all available evidence.
2020Established
12Designs
58Things to Wear
Every design we make
Shop All Designs
Sorted by design, the way you actually shop for it.
5 things to wear
I Am Your Plant Father
Said with authority. Backed by no evidence.
- Hoodie
- Crewneck
- Long Sleeve
- Ring-Spun Tee
- Tank
from $22.99Shop this design →
5 things to wear
Big Leaf Energy
Confidence disproportionate to horticultural ability.
- Premium Hoodie
- Long Sleeve
- Comfort Tee
- Premium Tank
- Onesie
from $18.99Shop this design →
7 things to wear
Plant Father Of The Year
Self-nominated. Unopposed. Uncontested for four years running.
- Hoodie
- Long Sleeve
- Premium Tank
- Classic Tee
- Tank
- Socks
- Mug
from $14.99Shop this design →
9 things to wear
Springtime Plant Father Vibes
Peak optimism. Recorded annually in March. Rarely survives to July.
- Hoodie
- Fanny Pack
- Long Sleeve
- Ring-Spun Tee
- Premium Tank
- Tote
- Phone Case
- Socks
- Mug
from $14.99Shop this design →
5 things to wear
Limited Edition Ocean Wok
Limited by design. Unexplained by anyone.
- Hoodie
- Crewneck
- Premium Long Sleeve
- Long Sleeve
- Ring-Spun Tee
from $24.99Shop this design →
8 things to wear
Original Logo
The founding crest. Est. 2020.
- Premium Hoodie
- Hoodie
- Crewneck
- Ring-Spun Tee
- Comfort Tee
- Premium Tank
- Tank
- Kids Tee
from $18.99Shop this design →
2 things to wear
Hot Plant Father Summer
Seasonal. Deeply unserious.
- Tank
- Classic Tee
from $21.99Shop this design →
2 things to wear
Auntie Jo Winter Collection
For the one relative whose plants inexplicably thrive.
- Premium Hoodie
- Long Sleeve
from $25.99Shop this design →
1 things to wear
Falling For You
Fall. Leaf drop. Not your fault this time.
- Premium Long Sleeve
from $22.99Shop this design →
2 things to wear
Everyday Necessities
Field equipment for the chronically hopeful.
- Fanny Pack
- Face Mask
from $10.00Shop this design →
4 things to wear
Matt Urban Marketing
A collaboration. Filed under: miscellaneous.
- Long Sleeve
- Ring-Spun Tee
- Classic Tee
- Tank
from $21.99Shop this design →
By type
Shop by Type
Every design, sorted by what it is printed on.
Buying for someone else
Gift Guides
He does not need another plant.
Gifts for Plant Dads
The instinct is to buy him a plant. Resist it. He already has more plants than surfaces, he has a specific opinion about where eac…
Read →Gifts for People Who Kill Plants
There is a specific kind of person who buys plants faster than they lose them and refuses to draw any conclusion from the pattern.…
Read →Father's Day Gifts for Plant Dads
Father's Day lands in June, which is peak season for a man standing in a garden holding a hose and explaining something nobody ask…
Read →Christmas Gifts for Plant Lovers
December is the honest season for this catalog. The plants are struggling, the light is gone, and everyone with a north-facing win…
Read →Plant Dad Gifts Under $25
The useful list for secret santa, teacher gifts, and the general category of people you like but do not owe a hoodie. Everything b…
Read →Gifts for New Plant Owners
Someone in your life has just bought their first pothos and is checking it twice a day. This is a delicate window. They are extrem…
Read →Gifts for the Plant-Obsessed Coworker
You know the desk. There are six plants on it, one of them is climbing the monitor arm, and there was a whole thing in March when …
Read →Build a Plant Dad Gift Set
One shirt is a fine gift. Three small things in a box is a better one, because it reads as considered rather than ordered. The cat…
Read →Birthday Gifts for Plant Lovers
Birthdays are the one occasion with no seasonal constraint, which means you can pick on personality rather than on weather. That m…
Read →Baby Gifts for Plant Families
Two people who already own forty plants have had a baby. They do not need another plant, they need sleep, and you need a gift that…
Read →
Article I
Membership requires only that you have loved a plant, and that the plant is no longer with us.
Established in 2020, @Plant_Fathers is a community of distinguished and proud plant fathers from all walks of life — united less by horticultural competence than by the shared experience of having tried.
We overwater. We underwater. We move the fiddle-leaf fig eighteen inches and mourn it for a season. We buy grow lights in January and forget them by March. We are, collectively, responsible for a great deal of compost.
This is merchandise for that. Worn honestly, by people who mean it.
The Register
In Memoriam
A partial record. Submitted by members. Grief-adjacent, but mostly funny.
- Monstera deliciosaOverwatered. Enthusiastically.2021–2021
- Ficus lyrataMoved 18 inches. Never recovered.2020–2020
- Calathea orbifoliaTap water. It knew.2022–2022
- Pilea peperomioidesOutlived expectations. Still died.2021–2023
- Maranta leuconeuraHumidity, allegedly.2023–2023
- Sansevieria trifasciataUnkillable. Killed.2020–2024
- Alocasia zebrinaWent dormant. We are choosing to believe this.2022–2022
- Ocimum basilicumPurchased at a grocery store. Doomed from birth.2024–2024